I have now been unemployed for 2 months and am getting peevish. I was told that only 1 in 10 employers will ever respond to your application and frankly I think it’s less than that. I send out resumes and applications and receive a vast wasteland of silence in return. As I’m pretty sure no potential employers will be reading my blog, THIS IS DOO DOO YOU GUYS! (Employers might not read it, but my mom does).
Now for Cannibals and Evil Cult Killers another form of doo doo. Why do I keep reading you ask? Because it’s fodder, it’s grist for the blog mill.
Section One: Cannibalism Around The World: Covers the usual tribal reasons for cannibalism such as the eating of one’s enemies to gain their strength, or eating one’s dead as a way to keep them a part of you. Under a chapter entitled The Crew of the Essex, who ended up eating each other to survive, the author mentions that the reason for the ship’s journey was to collect both whale oil and sperm oil. Uhm, sperm oil from the SPERM WHALE? So in other words, whale oil and whale oil. This guy just likes typing the word sperm. Talk about heinous. My next favorite chapter was The Last Known Tribe. That’s not the funny part. The subtitle is the funny part: They found natives who were completely naked and living in the trees. You can just HEAR the exclamation point. Naked and in trees!!!! Cut those trees down and pop some clothes on those people! Nakedness is apparently more heinous than cannibalism.
Our next victim of insufficient evidence and research is the Marquis de Sade. The man might have been a sexual deviant (read 120 days of Sodom), but not a cannibal. The most he ever did was write about it. Now for the pièce de résistance, Napoleon’s Russain campaign. As Napoleon’s army got their butts kicked and started retreating, they were forced to start eating their horses. The author tells us that the men would look forward to camp at night when they would slit open a horse and eat the heart and liver while it was still warm. The author’s conclusion? that “these proud soldiers had been reduced to desperate men who finally resorted to cannibalism.” Unless these proud soldiers were actually horses in disguise, WHAT CANNIBALISM YOU FOOL?
I’m done. I’m gonna go eat a cupcake, thereby committing cannibalism.